Burning Desires

faith, grief, growth, humility, learning, lettinggo, love, motherhood, truth

I’m burned out. I’m exhausted. I’m tired. I’m sad. I’m overwhelmed.

Yet words written by my a friend to me today rocked my inner core:

“You are a ridiculously strong capable smart compassionate incredible caring mother and woman.”

Facing death, destruction and denial, I have been in a downward spiral of survivor’s guilt and soul crushing grief over the past month.  Grief and sadness that I have covered up with lipstick, scarves and a smile.

How could she still see me as strong when I felt so weak? How did she see me as caring mother and woman when I have been short-tempered and angry? How does she see – see me?

So we talked further, and I had an idea. I am writing all the negative hurtful things that have been weighing me down out on paper and burning them at midnight.

Cleansing my inner self and creating a new year’s path of positive thoughts and actions these negative weights will float away as ashes.

I AM a ridiculously strong capable smart compassionate incredible caring mother and woman and 2018 will start off with my burning desire to be who I know I am.

 

 

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Check Your Spelling

children, coaching, disability, faith, family, growth, humility, learning, love, momoffive, motherhood, sportsmanship, teaching, truth

Writing this post this morning, I’m procrastinating from entering my interim grades and getting ready for school. My spelling and retelling of the past month’s events in my life are a necessary and bewitching challenge.

Grateful for being a “highly intelligent woman,” I still am crippled by the stress, grief and exhaustion of being a “first year” teacher in an urban school district, the sole competent member of my family’s bloodline after the sudden death of my only sister, matriarch of an above average sized family (both in size and number) and an entrepreneur trying to rekindle the flames a business that was put on the back burner due to disabling conditions that took away my spark for a few years.

Shall I just take the easy path – notes, rhetoric, tests, lather, rinse, repeat? To me that is a “wonderlandering” downward slide down the wicked path of mediocrity

Or do I Sinatra it – do it my way? Taking myself, yet again, down the challenging, relevant, albeit difficult and thorn filled path; casting a spell of relevance to corrupt the minds of youth?

And in so doing,  in taking them away from the fiery caldron of acceptance of norms created to control, and thereby charting a course towards a brave new world of courage, acceptance of difference and a remonstrance of the common, do I self immolate?

Either way, I’ll be sure to run a spell check…

 

 

 

Summer Enrichment

children, faith, graduation, growth, teenagers, truth, waiting

Here in upstate NY the days are either extremely hot and muggy or cool and rainy. I sit here with a pile of undone chores and an exhaustion level ( Over 9000) in my bones after finishing a grueling 4 week, 10 hour a day summer enrichment program where I had the opportunity to teach and create memories with rising 5th graders.

The goals – stop the summer slide, feed bodies, and create fun opportunities in a safe environment.

Accomplishments – traveled the world, wrote poetry, created carnival games, put on a show, made new friends – oh yeah we read 9 books, did math problems, experimented with scientific hypotheses, learned foreign languages, invented, painted, sculpted, created – and we laughed. We laughed a lot.

We Sang. We danced. Every day!

Then there was the day we ran out of hot dogs for dinner. Yup. I was, to use a nice phrase – agitated.

But we had beans. Lots of beans. So growing up in an oftentimes impoverished household with depression era parents, I thought well there are buns and beans, let’s have bean sandwiches. We have bananas. We have cookies.

Thinly veiling my disappointment of not having what was on the menu, I danced into the room singing “We have beans on buns with bananas. Beans on buns with bananas.” Picture a hot, sweaty, miffed 6′ 2″ woman singing a silly song at the top of her lungs. I still don’t know how I mustered (haha) the wherewithal to think of that.

My sweet little girl M, so shy and loving comes up and says, ” What a wonderful feast will we have together – it’s like we are a family.”

Yup summer enrichment.

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Ms. Pasta Arian,

Congratulations you won! I get it truly I do. Constitutional freedom of religion is what people who have fought and died in service to our great nation is all about. Woman Heroically Wins

But heroic? Ummmm I think we need a definition check because the media has bastardized it beyond belief!!!

From Websters online:
: of or relating to heroes
: having or showing great courage
: very large or great in size, amount, etc.

Missy I want to see your ancestry . com profile because last time I checked Thor wore a traditional helmet of his culture to symbolize strength and honor. A colander well…

Having or showing great courage? Courage to actually go to DMV for that picture OK but GREAT courage is going with 5 kids and making sure you don’t look like a serial killer. Nope not even close.

Very large or great in size, amount, etc. OK seriously – can we all agree not even a competition on this point?

When your religion has suffered from oppression and distain for millenia then please talk to me about you struggle! Last time I checked Pastafarians were not in “hot water” waiting to be beheaded.

Go home sister you’re drunk (mind you is was a lovely ala vodka sauce and all!)

No ditalining around here,

Mamasaurus

disabilty, hockeymom, momoffive, motherhood, Uncategorized